“the more i mourn”

the more i mourn,
i know i am
ungrateful for
all
i still can
rely;
all who, whats, wheres,
whens, and whys.
i have so much
and so many
others;
wonderful in their own
ways. i can't help
missing who i miss,
though; and what and
where. all i can't
return to. i
know
i am ungrateful
for all that is
now.
but turn me around.
let me go back.
let me buy
that ticket to new
orleans, then; to
hawaii, when;
when then was now.
let me try.
let me say anything
for
the first time, again.
let me be brave.
let me fix what
was never mine
to fix;
what i never broke,
let me hold
until time folds me
back into this;
where i am now;
where i'd never be
if what i'd been
was good enough
for anyone i'd loved.

the freight train
rattles me
while I lay
in an old bed
in this new place.
the freight train
rattles me
awake in my dreams
of then, when
now was.
i am ungrateful
and until i can
stop and appreciate
now, when i can;
the freight train
will rattle me
and i will never
rest in my sleep.
the more i mourn,
i say again.
the more i mourn,
the more i mourn.

narrative poem written on 01-07-2014 by: on mattkane.com
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